Body Dysmorphic Disorder

I've struggled with body dysmorphic disorder since I've been in high school (not that I'm technically diagnosed, but it is strongly likely). Body dysmorphic disorder involves obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance. As I get older I feel like it is getting worse (more obsessive), but I also feel more in control of it.


I used to refuse to eat more than one meal a day. I never was bulimic or anorexic. I've definitely been unhealthy about restrictions of calorie intake.


After a lot of research about fitness and nutrition, it is hard for me to actually limit the calories my body needs. I started adding a multivitamin (and Vitamin D3 because I have a deficiency) and cooking healthier. Those things help me prevent restrictions 99% of the time.


Another thing that has helped me is excercising including cardio and weight/resistance training. It gives me the feeling that I'm more in control and helps me by shaping/building my muscles and becoming more lean.


The hardest part of all of this is the fact that by the end of 2014 I was in excellent physical shape. I was toned and thin. I was happy because I felt I was almost where I wanted to be. At the end of 2014 I injured myself so badly that I ended up on crutches for 7 months resulting in significant muscle loss in my leg requiring me to re-learn how to walk. To lose my limp, it took another 5 months giving me a year of recovery just to function like a normal person. During this time I was unable to properly care for myself (food, grocery shopping, working out). I gained about 15 lbs (130 to 145). I continued lifting weights with my upper body and crutching, but I still loss muscle and strength. Of course my lower body strength was completely shot.


Now I'm struggling to lose the weight I had gained. The best method is incorporating cardio (running), strength training, and a healthy diet. My foot is so damaged that when I run a few miles, I am almost unable to walk to the next day due to the tremendous amount of pain that I experience. I have secondary osteoarthritis in my left ankle (my ankle bone shattered my heel bone at the joint and I had to reconstruct my foot during surgery). I'm beyond frustrated.


I used to dance and run. I can't really do these things like I used to. It's not like I need to lose weight because I'm fat. My stomach is flat and I'm not fat. I know I'm not. I'm constantly told by those around me how little I am. But there are things that I'm obsessed with fixing and it is just getting worse. I've resumed my strength training and pole dancing. These things I can do without my foot causing me pain the next day.


I just can't do things like I used to and for some I feel it is because of the lost muscle and weight gain. Some of it is because of my foot.


I just want to be back to my fitness and physique level I was at at the end of 2014. I think I can do is just so hard to back pedal. But on the positive note, I am able to walk again without significant pain.

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